word count: 1600
characters: dean, sam and bobby
summary: coda for 6.11, Sam just wants to be trusted even though he maybe doesn't deserve it
title & lyrics from "Many of Horror" by Biffy Clyro
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise I know your worth it
When you hit me hit me hard
Sam sighed as the hatch was pulled open, he felt a pair of eyes scrutinising him and he just wanted to smash something. Three days. He’d been subjected to being locked in this stupid panic room for three days. He struggled to see how he was a danger to anyone simply because he’d gotten his soul back. It’s not like he’d done more than sleep anyway, and he’d have preferred to be a bit more comfortable really. But at this point in time all he wanted to see was daylight. He wanted to feel the breeze on his face, the wind seeping through his face. Something normal to help him come to terms with the fact that he was Sam Winchester again. He could feel again and right now? He was angry. He was tired of seeing Bobby’s sympathetic looks. Tired of watching Dean throw him wary glances as he dropped off a tray of crappy food that he clearly wasn’t going to eat. And speaking of that...Sam looked up as Dean entered the room and looked down at the discarded trays that Sam had been lining up against the wall. Everyday Dean tried to make conversation with him but Sam ignored him. Somehow he didn’t think that Dean would be too pleased if he heard what Sam had to say but Dean kept on pushing and sooner or later Sam was going to break. He knew that he’d been seconds away from killing Bobby but that hadn’t been him. Though deep down inside he knew that the way he’d been without his soul was really just another side of him.
“You have to eat something Sam,” Dean’s low voice broke into Sam’s thoughts and Sam was just wanted to scream at him but he said nothing. He found a spot to stare at on the drab, grey walls and he looked straight ahead. Usually Dean left after about five or ten minutes but this time he stayed. Sam balled up his fists and he felt a wave of anger run through him.
“This isn’t easy for me either, Sam” Dean said and Sam snorted. But he didn’t rise to the bait, “You haven’t said a word or eaten anything, how the hell are we supposed to help you or even understand what’s going on inside your head”. Sam could hear the worry and anxiousness in Dean’s voice but right now he just didn’t care. Since when had Dean cared about what he wanted? Dean was only interested in doing what he thought was best for him, so that Sam was the way he wanted him to be, “Me and Bobby are just trying to do the right thing and you needed your soul back Sam, you weren’t Sam without it and hell everything you’re feeling now; the whole cold shoulder thing – it’s all because of your soul so I’m not going to apologize for doing the right thing” And really? Sam had heard enough. He didn’t need this earache.
“The right thing for who?” he said his voice hoarse from the lack of use. His mouth was dry and his lips were cracked, Dean was quick to hand over a glass of water and Sam grudgingly accepted it.
“For you obviously,” Dean said as Sam downed the glass of water quickly, “You’ll thank me one day” Sam scoffed at the last part of Dean’s response. Thank him?
“You did this for yourself Dean, at least have the decency to admit that,” Sam replied, “I remember everything and you railroaded me into this, hell you practically made the decision for me”. Sam watched as Dean just gave him a sad look before his expression tightened and Sam saw some traces of anger. Finally, he thought.
“Yeah, well someone had to, you were dangerous Sam, I mean you tried to kill Bobby! But that wasn’t you...” Dean took a step back as Sam stood up slowly.
“Let me out of here” Sam said simply, “And we’ll talk, we’ll have this out just not in here...” Dean looked like he was considering it for a few moments before he shook his head.
“No,” he replied, “Not yet...just a few more days for you to adjust and then you’ll be free to do whatever you want – I promise”
“You know what? I’m done with being patient and waiting for you to come to your senses. Either you get out of my way or I’ll force my way out of here” Sam said as he clenched and unclenched his fists.
“So, what you going to hit me? Show me how strong you are?” Dean responded angrily and Sam rolled his eyes. This wasn’t about him trying to show how macho he was, it was about him getting out of this room. This room held so many ugly reminders for him that it was a joke that this was the best place for him to be once he’d gotten his fucking humanity back.
“Maybe I should, even up the score a little” Sam shot back and Dean at least had the decency to look guilty but Sam just rolled his eyes.
“You watched me get turned! I was a little angry” Dean defended himself brashly and Sam saw red. For the millionth time.
“I don’t fucking care” he said and he barely blinked when Dean rushed towards him with a murderous expression on his face, “What are you going to do, Dean – make me care?” Dean stepped back as he sighed deeply, he ran a hand through his hair and Sam recognised it as his “let’s calm down and be rational” stance. Too bad that Sam really didn’t give a flying fuck about being rational.
“Look, you’re my brother – I only tried to do what was best for you, and yes I’ve made mistakes but they’ve all been for the greater good” Dean argued and Sam huffed as he turned away from Dean as a sudden wave of tiredness washed over him. He could tell that Dean was expecting him to say more but he just...wanted to sleep. That was one more thing about having his soul back; he was just so fucking tired. He lay down on the bed and made sure that his wasn’t facing Dean – who got the message eventually as he left but not before grumbling about Sam being an ungrateful little toe rag.
“Dean, look I went along with this because I wasn’t sure how this soul thing would work but...hasn’t Sam been through enough? Just...let him out of here” Bobby argued.
“Look...he could be faking it, holding it all in...What if he goes out there and does something stupid? Huh?” Dean shot back and Sam’s stomach clenched. There it was again. He couldn’t be trusted, he was this and he was that. Sam growled as he sat up quickly, ignoring the guilty looks on Bobby’s and Dean’s faces. Bobby looked as though he was going to turn back but Sam called out to him,
“Bobby wait!” and he took a deep breath as Bobby looked at him questioningly, “I-I’m sorry about...you know. I’d never have done that if I was...me....” he could see Dean giving him an odd look from through the corner of his eye but he ignored it.
“I know kid, I know...” Bobby said with a reassuring smile, “I think you and your brother need to talk...” and then he left.
“You know being in this room...it brings up bad memories Dean...I though you of all people would understand that..” Sam started, “And I’m willing to stay in the house if it means that much to you but just let me out of here so I can grab a proper shower, eat and sleep somewhere that doesn’t feature in my nightmares” Dean’s head instantly jerked up at the mention of nightmares.
“What kind of nightmares?” he asked as he frowned and Sam sighed,
“Don’t change the subject man,” Sam said as he finally lost his patience, “I’m myself, Dean...it’s your little brother Sammy, I’m not going to hulk out in the middle of night and kill you and I just wish for one second that you’d treat me like I’m an adult!” There was piercing silence as Sam finished, Dean looked a little distressed and Sam almost felt sorry for him.
“I’m sorry” Sam said abruptly and he was surprised to find that he meant it, he didn’t really know what he was apologising for but he felt it right down to his deepest core. He was sorry for everything that had ever happened.
“No..don’t apologise...it’s not your fault and I know that...I do,” Dean said softly, “It’s just I had to be sure you know? But maybe I didn’t go about it in the right way.” Dean chuckled when Sam raised an eyebrow.
“Okay so I really didn’t go about it in the right way...so...I guess I’m sorry too”.
Because he knew that one day he’d scratch that wall, and he’d fall to pieces. And well he knew that there’d be someone to rescue him – and that it’d always be his big brother.