WHY DOES FATE MAKE US SUFFER?
Summary: Dean's POV at the end of 5.03. He wants to be in denial, tell himself what he wants to hear but he knows he can't hide from the truth.
Warning: Spoilers for season 5 (ep 1-3)
Title and lyrics from "What Have You Done" By Within Temptations.
A/N - OMG. I'm writing a fic from Dean's POV?! I'm pissed at Dean so this was supposed to be him denying everything, it was supposed to show that he doesn't know what he's doing and that's he's wrong wrong wrong. But common sense prevailed in the end and I have this which I'm proud of! I guess I still love Dean after all. And my first s5 fic is from Dean's POV?! Wow.
Thank you to soncnica for beta-ing!
Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love
Why? Why does Fate make us suffer?
There's a curse between us
Between me and you
Happy. Dean knows the meaning of the word but he hasn't felt it in so long. Until now. Sam is gone and he feels free. No more Sam, no burden and no sense of failure. So yeah, Sam not being here is a good thing. It's the best thing really. He can't protect him. Not forever. Maybe he never could. But this isn't about Dean trying to cover up his own sense of failure. It's about... it doesn't even matter. He's not trying to convince himself here, he knows he's right. He hasn't failed Sam had just been to stubborn, how was that his fault? He'd died for Sam and in return Sam had jump started the end of the world. Sure, he'd broken the first seal but he hadn't known. Neither had Sam but Dean couldn't compare the two. Maybe he just didn't want to. He knew firsthand that the angels had let it happen but his brother had started it. Some days he can barely look at Sam, can barely contains the anger inside him. He tells himself that it's Sam's fault, he didn't listen, he turned his back on Dean - he chose her over him. Dean's not denying his own involvement but the way he sees it the angels messed him about the way Sam did and he's just tired of picking up the pieces. So, he's more than happy without Sam - they don't need each other right now. He feels safer now, more focused which is weird because the angels are still after him, waiting for him to say yes. But he just feels so on edge around Sam; now he just feels like Dean again. This is just the way things have to be. Dean doesn't think he's being selfish, or that he's wrong. Sam's the one with evil inside him, not Dean. But Sam didn't torture any souls in hell and he did it for the greater good right? But the road to hell is paved with good intentions, Dean is a prime example of that, his Dad too. It hurts him to know that John knew it would come to this but he didn't love Sam any less. He knows that John would do everything to protect Sam. But... he can't be the one to kill Sam. He just can't.
But Sam's not his problem anymore, right? He's content with his life. Being alone isn't bad, he kinda enjoys the peace he gets. But why does he feel like he's in the wrong here? In his head he believes it all but in his heart there's turmoil. A part of him knows that he's being selfish, he's in denial. Dean knows that this bridge between him and Sam might be fatal. He knows but he's scared. Scared that he'll watch Sam turn into a monster and not be able to stop him. Scared that the lack of trust between them will cause problems. But most of all he's scared that Sam will grow tired of being sorry and blame him instead the way he blames himself. He made the deal, he left Sam so alone and so broken that he was manipulated by a demon. Sam had thought that Ruby had been saving him but she'd just been killing him from the inside. But she'd been there for Sam when Dean had been wallowing in self-pity. Sam had heard first hand just how hard it'd been in hell and back then Dean hadn't considered the impact it'd have on Sam. He didn't know what Sam had been like when he'd been gone but he knows it can't have been good. Maybe that's where all of this started, Dean doesn't know. He wishes he could go back five years and simply drive past Sam's apartment instead of dragging him into the life hated. Pushing him towards the dark side; exposing him to demons. He wishes he could go back to that night, back when Sam was still clean, pure - before the demon blood cursed him forever. Dean knows he's to blame but he'd rather bury his head in the sand. Its not the best way to live his life but he has to try and clean up this mess. He's happy after all.
So happy that he's on his own in a world that can't even rely on God. He can't get his head around the fact that he's gone from being a regular hunter to some kind of vessel for angel. The angel who kills Lucifer. And yeah he gets it, he's the righteous man. He broke the first seal, he has to end it. And he just doesn't have time to worry about Sam all the time, he just doesn't. He wonders if this is fate and if it is then why is fate making them suffer; why does it have to be them all the time. Why did they have to give up their lives? But Dean knows he'll never get the answers to those questions; he's pretty sure that no one can answer them. So he has to get on with the job, he can't sit around and hope that Sam comes back. But he doesn't want to be alone. It's what scares him the most, having no one. But he just can't forgive and forget that easily. He'd be lying to himself, lying to Sam and he's tired of lies. Dean's tired of the pain, the betrayals... tired of being in this world. So fuck it. He's not happy, he's miserable. He's falling to pieces. Sam means everything to him but the past has gotten in the way, demons - both literal and metaphorical - have gotten in between them and maybe its too late for them. If they do this on their own, maybe they won't blame each other, or hate each other. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Dean knows that its not what they do that should be important, its who they are. They're brothers, they always will be. But they're paying for their sins. He knows it's not Sam's fault but he has to blame someone and Sam's just the easiest person. But deep, down inside Dean knows as he pushes Sam away more and more he's tempting fate, punishing himself as well. But this is what he deserves; Sam is better off without him.
If fate is making them suffer then maybe it will stop them from falling into a deep, black bottomless hole. Maybe they can be saved. Besides, happiness is overrated anyway.
I will not fall
Won't let it go
We will be free
When it ends
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